


Seelenlos

by Mopsieflops



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-12 16:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15343824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mopsieflops/pseuds/Mopsieflops
Summary: Life after the war isn't like what Levi imagined.





	Seelenlos

**Author's Note:**

> This is my entry for Ereri angst weekend. Prompt: fade.

“Nurse, when will Eren visit?”

“I’m sure he’ll come soon.”

Levi hums, eyes drifting into the distance. Appreciating the green fields stretched over the valley, but sadness numbs his mind.

“Have I told you about him?”

“I don’t believe you have.”

“You see, I have a subordinate named Eren.”

“Why don’t you tell me more about him.”

Levi holds his breath momentarily, not knowing where to start. A certain moment suddenly flashing vividly in front his eyes, almost as if he is reliving it.

“His eyes were the first thing I noticed about him. They had a distinct colour… are they blue, green or gray. It’s something I still wonder until this day.”

He pauses for a second, swallowing the lump that has formed in his throat.

“Tell me more.” The nurse says. “He sounds like he was very dear to you.”

“He is.” Levi answers almost instantly. “He is… I don’t know when it happened but- wait, no, I do know. It was the look in his eyes that caught my attention the moment we met.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. He was the only one to ever look at me directly. Unafraid.”

“That didn’t happen very often?”

“No, you see, I was a corporal once… during the war.”

“People looked at you differently.” The nurse finished for him.

“Exactly.” Levi nods and continues his description. “He used to be high on anger. Blind to his own limits. He overworked himself so many times to the point I had to give him a handkerchief, to wipe the blood of his nose, almost daily.  
Haha… Now that I think about it, I never got them back.”

“It must have meant a great deal to him.”

“Why must that be?” Levi turns his face to the side, catching a glimpse of the nurse’s hand firmly wrapped around the holders.

“You were his corporal,” the nurse starts explaining, “his superior. Someone he looked up to. I suppose it meant a lot to him you cared.”

“Of course I cared!” Levi retorts quickly. “Of course I cared…”

“I’m sorry, please, continue.”

“Uhm…”

“The handkerchief.”

“Right, he trained so hard and past his own limits to the point he once slept for two days.”

“Wow.”

“Indeed. I kept an eye on him the entire time. The little shit kept me awake for no more than fifty-two hours.”

“Couldn’t someone else do it?”

“Yes. Hanji offered to take over many times but they probably would’ve done something to him in his sleep. The thought still makes me wary… besides…” He lingers, tapping his fingers against his chin.

The nurse gives him a few comforting pats on his shoulder, “Go on.”

“Besides, I needed to watch over him, for myself. To keep myself sane.”

“Did you ever tell him that?”

Levi snorts, shaking his head, “Fuck no. The brat would never let that go.”

“I suppose he wouldn’t.” The nurse chuckles back. “What happened next?”

_What happened next?_

“Next happened…” Levi mumbles the words. Brows furrowed in concentration, mind blank. Blank. White, yet black and swallowing him as a whole.

“Sir?”

He tries to get rid of the fogginess by shaking his head, grounding himself. “Yes. Sorry about that.”

“Maybe we should take a rest. How about some tea, want me to get some for you?’

The words barely make sense to him, almost as if his mind and body want him to go back to a different reality, making him numb in this world, but he manages to give the nurse a short nod.

“Okay, I’ll be right back.” The nurse ushers and he hears him sprint back to the castle.  
At least he got that going for him.

 

He lets out a puff of air and lets go of the armrest, cracking his knuckles briefly before he pushes himself forward. The wheels still feeling foreign in his palms.

He rolls a bit further to the point where the stone path stops and the grass field officially begins. Now that he’s this close to the field, he’s able to see the flowers that are starting to bloom. Dandylions already emerged from the ground, reminding him of-

He rubs his palms over his face.

Why is it so hard to think. To explain a face that’s so vivid yet so faded in his memory. It’s almost as if something is blocking his thoughts, a rock that lies in front of the door that leads towards his mind. Keeping him from functioning like a normal human being. It’s degrading, almost humiliating for him.

“Here’s your tea. Sir? Hey, what’s with the sad face?” The nurse hands to cup to him and squats down in front of him. His messy bangs falling in front of his eyes.

Levi takes a long moment before admitting, fumbling with the hem of his grey shirt, “I- I want to see Eren.”

“I’m sure he wants to see you too.” The nurse smiles gently.

“I hope so.” Levi smiles back and takes a sip of his tea. The taste nostalgic. “You make good tea.”

“Thank you, Sir.”

Levi hums and drinks the rest in silence.

 

* * *

 

The grass between his toes is still damp from the night before. Tickling the soles of his feet.

“Watch out or you’ll get sick.”

Levi doesn’t turn around, fixated on watching the sun rise. “I won’t.”

“It doesn’t hurt to take care of your body.”

Shaking his head, he pushes himself upwards, off the ground. Reassured to find two hands helping him back into his wheelchair.

Silently, the nurse drops down on his knees before him and takes out a small towel. Starting to pat his feet dry. “You should take care of yourself, Sir. My dad always taught me not to walk around on cold, wet grass.”

“Yet, you’re kneeling on it yourself.” Levi retorts flatly.

The nurse chuckles under his breath. “I guess you’re right.”

Levi blinks briefly, letting his eyes rest for just a small moment before he watches the sun rise again. Always appreciating the warmth on his skin and the scheme of colours draped across the horizon. “You should see the sun rise on top of the walls sometime.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. It’s beautiful, Eren loves it too… have I told you about him?” Levi asks, without moving his eyes. Holding onto the golden colour warming up his body, to keep him sane.

“I don’t believe you have, was he dear to you?”

He nods, “Yes, he still is.” and they start rolling back to the castle. Out of nowhere, the wind picks up. The chill morning breeze causing goosebumps to appear on his arms. He shivers, voice slightly trembling. “Have I told you about him?”

“Good thing I got breakfast ready huh? That’ll warm you up.” The nurse grins, patting him on his shoulder. “And I don’t believe you have, Sir. Why don’t you tell me more once we’re inside.”

Levi hums.

 

“So,” The nurse begins, putting Levi’s tray on the table. “Eren, huh?”

Levi nods and smiles briefly as he accepts his breakfast. A steaming cup of tea, two pieces of toast with cheese melting on them and an orange to start his day. “You see, I have a subordinate named Eren.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I used to be a corporal during the war and Eren used to be my subordinate.”

“I see.” The nurse nods and takes a sip of his own tea. “He doesn’t sound like he was _just_ a soldier to you.”

Levi lets out a puff of air, shaking his head as if this was the most unnecessary assumption someone could make. “No, of course not, and he’s coming to visit soon.”

“You seem very pleased.”

“I am, he’ll take me back to our house right outside Shiganshina once I’m better.”

“That sounds lovely, Sir.”

Levi smiles, “It is.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Usually his eyes need to adjust to the morning sun peeking through the curtains of their room. But now, all he can do is wonder why the hell he’s awake at this fucking hour.

He shuffles out of bed, legs more tired than usual and feeling like they’ll collapse under the weight of his body. Annoying.

Yawning, Levi twists the doorknob and looks to his right. The hallway is quiet and empty, and he’s ready to give his husband a -not so- gentle reminder to come to bed already.

_“He’s probably still finishing his paperwork.”_  He thinks, shaking his head. Resting unsteadily just outside their room, his fist balled against the wall.

Clearing his throat briefly, the sound echoing through the corridor, he calls him, frustrated. “Eren.”

Suddenly, their house is less quiet and is filled with the rumbling of books and papers. Now he knows for sure, the little shit was indeed still working on those crappy official documents.

“Eren for fucks sake, come to bed.” He grumbles but is still relieved to see his husband’s face popping up from behind the corner at the end of the hallway.

“Sir?” Eren’s voice is hoarse, almost silent and he looks like he is nearing a wild stray cat; way too cautious for Levi’s liking.

He should know he doesn’t like to wait for him in bed, but to act like he’s going to get a beating takes it to a whole new level.

He shakes his head, managing to lean against the doorframe. “Really Eren? You’re still calling me ‘Sir’?”

Eren’s mouth hangs wide open, dumbfounded. “Levi?”

He quirks his eyebrow at his husband. “Yes?”

“Can you repeat that, please?”

“Come to bed already, those papers won’t go anywhere.” Levi sighs, smirking when he looks up again. “Can’t you spare a little time for your hubby?”

He tries to change the mood but uneasiness still bubbles in the pit of his stomach. There’s something wrong with Eren. He’s cautious, scared, wary even, from the way he’s standing there, stuck. Unmoved. Paralyzed.

“Look, Eren,” Levi starts. “I don’t know what’s going through that head of yours and why you’re acting like this but you better stop it. It’s the middle of the night, just come to bed and deal with whatever’s making you like… _this_ , tomorrow.”

He doesn’t look back at him, instead he finds leverage at the door again and maneuvers his body back inside their room.  
Shit, he should really get his legs checked next week.

With a puff, he plops down on their bed, massaging the tingling soles of his feet. Looking up to find two watchful eyes staring at him. _Can he stop that already?_

He grits his teeth. “Eren, cut the crap and come in already.”

He can almost hear the click Eren’s mind makes. He straightens his back and walks exceptionally confident to their bed, taking place to Levi’s right.

“Took you long enough.” Levi remarks dryly.

“Sorry, babe.” Eren whispers and nuzzles his face in the crook of his husband’s neck. “You know what paperwork does to me.”

Levi snorts, “Turn you into a little shit you mean? You don’t need paperwork for that,” and wraps his arm around Eren’s waist. Appreciating the warmth of his skin, always reminding him of the sun shining and warming up his body. He knows it sounds incredibly sappy, but Eren just has that effect on him.

He shifts his body, ready to lay down and take a rest, but finds Eren clutching at his shirt. The fucker, he just ironed this shirt. “Hey, Eren, you’re going to rip my shirt if you keep grabbing at it like that.”

He laughs the words but Eren doesn’t move. Face hidden against his shoulder, hands trembling around his torso. Shit.

“Eren, talk to me.” Levi soothes, his hand trailing his husband’s -usually- sensitive sides, but to no avail. “Come on, honey… give me something.”

Instead of pushing Eren even further, he runs his fingers through his brown locks and kisses the side of his face. Salt resting on his lips.

He closes his eyes and holds Eren tighter, trying to ease whatever type of pain he’s living in. Drowning him with soft pecks all over his cheek and temple.

“Okay, you don’t have to talk to me, but you really need some rest.”

Eren slowly nods his head, his grip on Levi’s shoulders steadily weakening.

“That’s it baby.” Levi smiles gently and rubs his thumb over Eren’s chin. Finally able to see his whole face again in what seems like forever.

His cheeks are tinted pink, his nose is wet and his eyes are puffy, but still they’re most beautiful things he has ever seen in his life. Just like the first time he ever saw Eren, he’s again mesmerized by their beauty, now a combination of silver and blue. How he deserved a man so handsome and precious, is a mystery to him, but he wouldn’t ever dare lose him.

He runs his hands over Eren’s collarbones and neck before he cups his cheeks with both hands. Smiling contently, “That’s my boy.”

Eren chuckles under his breath and snivels. Finally meeting Levi’s comforting gaze.

Levi laughs, “You know I love you, but for the love of Maria, blow your nose so I can kiss you already.”

“You’re still a cleanfreak, huh.” Eren whiffs.

“Some things never change… there’s a handkerchief under my pillow by the way. Blow your nose.”

“Fine, fine.” Eren rolls his eyes, finally smiling when Levi squeezes his cheek in response. He blows his nose and wipes the tears off his face. Running his hand through his messy bangs, still sniveling lightly.

“Good, now…” Levi smirks, tapping his index finger against his lips.

Eren shakes his head but smiles nonetheless. Closing the distance between them by leaning down. Kissing Levi with such passion, yet tenderness, and maneuvers them both on their side so they’re laying down. Arms and legs tangled as he keeps pressing soft kisses on Levi’s chapped lips.

A content sigh leaves Eren’s lips.    
“Are you okay again?” Levi asks, opening his eyes again to look at Eren directly. Stroking the hairs out of his face so he can see him properly see and admire him for a little longer.

“I am. I always am with you by my side.”

Levi snorts, “You’re a sap.”

“I am your sap.”

“Well Mr. Sap,” Levi mocks and gives one last kiss on Eren’s damp forehead, “go to sleep.”

Eren smiles sleepily, finally getting the rest he deserves, “Okay Mr. Sap. Good night.”

“Good night, Eren.”

 

* * *

 

The morning is quiet, cold, like it always is inside the castle.    
He pushes himself upwards, legs dangling off the side of his bed. Weak. Useless. Annoying. Frustrating.

Sighing, he massages the soles of his feet. Numb. Hoping for a miracle to make them work again so he can properly walk outside like he used to.

A soft knock on his door turns his attention back to reality. “Yes?”

“Good morning.”

“Morning.” Levi smiles briefly. “Breakfast in bed?”

“Thought I would surprise you. Is that alright?”

“I’m not complaining.”

He accepts his tray and puts it on the nightstand. Wanting to drink his cup of tea first, before he’ll start eating his toast and orange.

“How is it?”

Levi hums, “It’s good.”

“I’m glad.”

He puts his cup back on the tray, looking back at the brunet standing in the middle of his room.  
“Nurse, when will Eren visit?”

  


* * *

* * *

_Thank you for reading! A big shoutout to three amazing people who helped me with this fic. First of all, my friend and beta,[alphaofallcats](https://alphaofallcats.tumblr.com/) . Her continuous support was so motivating and because of her I managed to finish this fic. Second, my German friend and fellow writer, [pandatowrites](http://pandatowrites.tumblr.com/). They immediately took time out of their day to brainstorm with me to find an appropriate title. And last but not least, thank you to my friend [Jal](https://www.instagram.com/jalribai/?hl=nl) (who is writing great stories [right here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miku/pseuds/Miku)) to give me some early feedback :)_

_You can find me on:_

_[Tumblr](https://lankylevi.tumblr.com/) _  
_[Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lankylevi/) _

 

**Author's Note:**

> I want to leave a quick note here why I enabled comment moderation. I hope it doesn't hold anyone back from commenting (really, I love comments) but I don't want any negativity surrounding this fic because this is a very sensitive topic to me. Thank you for understanding!


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